The Beginning…

•February 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

This quote, “write what you see”, rings so true to me.   I realized that so often I write and speak based on what I believe other people are seeing, what other people want to hear, what other people think, and how other people will respond… basically, will ‘they’ approve?  So often there are so many hidden agendas (a manipulative force) that dictates what and how I deliver my message.  Filter upon filter, before I actually get out what it is that I really want to say.  Filters can be helpful, indeed, however if they are actually dulling or deluding the depth of the message, than in my opinion filters are in actuality a hindrance.

This blog is about my freedom.  Gaining the courage to speak my truth, my perceptions, my awarenesses, my thoughts, and mostly, ‘what i see’ in this world – all this without guarding or filtering the message.  I will write as if I am writing in my own personal journal.  I will write as if I am writing to my Self, no one else!  There is no hidden purpose with this blog.  I only want to be able to speak and feel liberated.  Supposedly this is what blogging was all about in the first place.  However, now we see it as a tool for fame!  I am not interested in fame… what i am interested in is understanding the nature of the human heart.  Why we continue to suffer? why we continue to separate? why we make the choices we make? and how, in this 21st century can we actually blow open the cosmic heart so that true healing can occur?

The state of our planet concerns me, as it concerns many.  And furthermore, the state of our human relations concerns me as much or more!  All I see, as I walk around this planet are wounded hearts.  I see mothers who don’t look at their children – they don’t SEE them.  I see workers who treat their employees like shit.  I see teachers yelling at students.  I see people on the streets who see each other with more wisdom then most of us.  I see a world that is so preoccupied with the illusion of money, that we choose to NEGLECT that which is right in front of us.

I see a world that is terrified of conflict and trying to avoid it at all costs and yet in the end, we perpetuate a cycle of external conflict – WAR – and we collectively agree that this is OK!  I see a north american culture terrified to look at themselves.  A culture that is so fucken afraid to live, so instead we hand our internal power over to the ‘gatekeepers’ and the ‘systems’, rather than hone up and take responsibilities for our lives!

I see people walking around wanting so badly tot be noticed.  I see that we talk ALOT about what we think and feel, but very few people actually put those thoughts and feelings into action.  We are becoming a society of IDEOLOGIES, and I question the good that this is doing if we cannot be congruent with our hearts.  I see we are so terrified to LOVE because we deeply lack TRUST.

I see that for the most part, I am afraid to speak my perceptions because I too, want to be loved, liked, and accepted.  So what do I do, I filter.  I see that ‘good girls’ who don’t question are still much more appreciated.  And, I know that this is bull shit!

The other day, I saw that if you don’t have LOVE at the core of your relationships you cannot know JOY, and I saw this because I was paying attention to not only my relationships but those that surround me as well…

I see that NOTHING MATTERS yet everything matters… and I see, that the only way true change can occur is if we globally get out of our heads and into our hearts. According to Caroline Myss, the heart must lead and the head follow… and the true path, is to become congruent rather than in conflict with the head and heart!  I believe that there is truth in this statement, because if we were to make most of our human choices from the mind of the heart, we would NOT choose what we choose!  The heart knows no fear yet she lives in chaos.

Chaos reins, this is a truth… all change is chaos.  Conflict, I believe is due to the unwillingness to allow chaos to occur, which leads to transformation… conflict occurs when we are not congruent!  Yet, when that feeling of conflict (tension, angst, uncertainty) starts to stir in the body it serves as an indication that transformation is near.  Conflict tells us “PAY ATTENTION” you are ignoring something crucial.  The joy of conflict is that it allows for an opportunity to arise, an opportunity to find clarity before resolution.

I see a culture running from conflicts of the heart.  Afraid of sitting in the fire… afraid to speak their ‘truth’ and say what they ‘see’.  What is the fear?  Perhaps, the only way our culture knows how to handle conflict is to either run and hide or rather, ANNIHILATE the other – to get rid of therefore, no need to have to look at ‘that’ anymore.  We do this in church, we do this in war, we do this in relationships… We do this! When in actuality, to seek clarity and dig deeper and nurture the relationships rather than separate, everyone comes out liberated.

It is said that the male hormones for stress cause the “flight and fight” response, where as the female hormones for stress cause “tend and mend” tendencies. One is to annihilate the other, where as the other is to seek and nurture resolution.  If you pay attention, culturally due to the fact that we have devalued Women for so long, we have also devalued our cultural ability to heal and resolve conflict.  The masculine domination that has been running this world for centuries, is getting OLD… it is no longer serving and if we were to drop into the heart, we could see this.  It is not that one way of resolving conflict is better than the other, it is just that we – globally and collectively – have ignored a very important feminine principle.  It is the nurturing of the collective feminine heart that will nurture our planet back to health and restitution.  It is necessary that our human race begin to seek clarity & resolution individually, communally, and globally since it is from this place that we can engage the conscious heart and truly start to mend the broken pieces of our planet (recognizing that not all is broken or in pain).

I see this in the birthing ‘industry’. Each industry is seeing an increase in the reliance on technology, an increase in fear, an increase in conflict and therefore, an increased need to control the ‘other’.  How does this run away train stop?  How do we pause to really listen and hear what the other is saying?  And how do we motivate ourselves collectively to care enough to hear each others positions?  Can one position be better than the other position? From which angle to we need to see each of these positions?  Personal and Global? And furthermore, I questions, is there a collective global value that we could all agree upon?  We are sitting in the midst of total chaos and change… it is inevitable.  And so, what are you/we going to do about it? It is great to have ideas… but how are you/we going to apply it? It is great to be spiritual, but what are you doing on the earth to expand your human heart and connect with another?

Write What You ‘See’ I say, because if we were to all just write what we are perceiving from our hearts and truly listen to one another, maybe we would collectively find resolution.  Don’t hold back, let it all out.  This is not about bashing another, no this is about writing what you are noticing?  Internally and externally.  This is not about complaining, but rather about making statements.  When you write from the heart, you bare your soul… Seek to understand and you ‘see’ all…

Blessings

Passion vs Income

•December 16, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The other day I was contemplating life as usual and I was struck deeply after reading a face book note on “12 Toxic Myths of Wealth: The Personal Growth Industry’s Bankrupt Notions of Prosperity”. I was left with a heavy weight in my heart after really contemplating these Myth’s (read the article if you want to know what they are) http://www.facebook.com/notes/tad-hargrave/12-toxic-myths-of-wealth-the-personal-growth-industrys-bankrupt-notions-of-prosp/162303954031
So I wrote some thoughts regarding them and yet, I was still not satisfied with it all. There was still something much deeper going on here. Something that generally causes a lot of inner struggle and pain. What is this all about?

I find myself always asking, “there has got to be a different way to exist in this world”? On one hand I really understand the paradox that nothing matters, yet everything matters. To one extent I can detach myself from inner struggles and external pain of our world and see that it is all perfect and nothing needs to be changed at all, only acceptance is in need and surrender and witnessing and in all of that there is joy, truly. However, on a more micro level, I find myself struggling just to live (and I know I am not alone in this). And as my struggle to live is more real than ever, I find myself experiencing more gratitude and joy and love than ever before!

However, in all of this, I am dumb founded by the challenge of actually “making a living” doing what you love all the while, being a mother! And still, I know numerous people who are not parents and who are also struggling to earn a “living” without sacrificing their need to express their life’s passion. Is our desire to express our life’s passion actually causing a stagnant, depressed, and helpless society?

I have spent 10 years studying about birth, learning from many, and never once did I question this life path! However, I am at a cross road and I am questioning EVERYTHING! How can someone, with absolute heart, commitment and dedication, invest 10 plus years (or even one year it really doesn’t matter) into a deep passion and find herself still without an income that could remotely support her need alone, her family???? I have looked at every angle (and I am sure there are more)! I have questioned my entire value system, all my ideologies, my beliefs you name it! And then, I find myself looking that these money myths and thinking maybe i am just not working hard enough, or I have ‘lack’ vibration etc and then I really get depressed. And then, I think maybe some people just have the gift of earning money, it comes naturally to them while others have other gifts to share? Why is it that our worth and value is totally dependent on earning money. Think about it, wouldn’t it be crazy to expect everyone to be a national level athlete? And that, in order to live you needed to be able to perform at that level… and the truth is that everyone DID, and if you couldn’t well then, you were a failure, lesser than, worthless, homeless, and well, disgusting. Seriously, do you get the picture?

I have spent thousands on educating, books, travel, and marketing materials. So one would think that eventually there should be a return on your investment right? Well, I am beginning to question that. I thought I wasn’t doing enough “spiritually”, I was “vibrating the wrong vibration”, I wasn’t “attracting or clear enough”… Now I want to believe that this is all bullshit. (ok do i sound angry? really just my heart is deeply aching for the state of our culture and what we value).

Ok, so as I find myself in all of this, I am also totally enthralled with group dynamics and the concept of community! We speak as if community really matters and yet, I am hearing and witnessing women, having just given birth, left alone without “community”. they thought they were part of a community and then, find themselves disappointed because the community couldn’t “show” up during times of need! This is a common theme. I personally think that this new age term of “community” is really just a trend of people who are all friends and like to call themselves “community members” until someone really needs something from them!

How do we truly nurture one another? How do we really figure out how to meet each others needs? Community should not let people “fall through the cracks” so to speak!

Personally, I don’t know if we are collectively mature enough to handle the level of responsibility that is necessary to truly act as a community that values human relations more than financial or personal gain? Perhaps, this is pessimistic and maybe, I just need to sit in quiet meditation for a while or just change my “thought patterns” but I am not seeing much hope in this department.

So last night I sat down after speaking about all of this to some extent and was questioning our human existence and what are we all seeking to acquire? And I felt very strongly that we are all longing to be in relation with one another, deeply, not surface face book bullshit. But we are longing to be seen, understood, loved, nurtured and able to freely express the nature of who we are!

It is hard for me to sacrifice the above desires in order to earn enough to pay for modern day survival. I feel that I need to choose one or the other. Perhaps this is my black and white mentality, so please shed light on another way. But, currently, I don’t see any other way.

And then, I opened this book called “Global Shift: How a new world view is transforming humanity” and I felt like I was in dialog with Whapio and it was speaking to everything we have spoken of and this is the quote that stood for me:

” Humanity is looking for a new story. The on’e it has embraced since the Renaissance is no longer viable. Despite all of its positive contributions to modern life, three hundred years of scientific technological development has left our civilization in an untenable position-at odds with its natural environment and ultimately its own deeper, collective soul. Only a global shift in fundamental perceptions, values, and corresponding actions will allow human kind to resume an evolutionary path in alignment with nature and the larger cosmos.”

This message gave me hope in all of this, because, I was reminded that indeed, I am not alone in this quest. That it is true, we are looking for a new story. I can’t continue to rely on my “passion” to earn me an income (this saddens me) but as long as I can keep holding the vision for this new story to unfold and know somewhere in my being that there is a place for what I have to offer. Again, I know I am not alone in this struggle, I know that there are other human’s experiencing the same soul struggle. And I question if it is going to progressively get more intense? Until we really collectively transform?

I just needed to share this…

Hello world!

•December 16, 2009 • 1 Comment

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